ONENESS

like a tattoo on my heart imprinted
the crashing sound of waves on sand

imbedded in each cell
the sea-salt air smell

always always
the forever view
that no man
no building
impedes

majestically it reaches as far as eye can see

we as one breathe
the ocean and I

It’s been on my mind to post an entry for days. But it’s been more a desire simply to keep up with the blog, and not really a story bubbling up inside, wanting to be written down. From the first, my blog has been a place to share with friends what is going on in my life, both the outer circumstances and the inner changes and awarenesses. I call it my journal. But I want to write when I am moved to do so, not simply to fill up a page.

January is a cold and silent month. We’ve taken down the holiday decorations, and the house and yard look a little barren and forlorn. We’re in the aftermath of the holiday season and the celebrations are over. Now it’s back to the mundane business of our everyday lives.

As dreary days of fog and rain pile up, one atop the other, I feel a familiar heaviness knocking on the door of my heart. But I’ve been here before. The winter months of dark skies and cold, wet weather want to drag me down. But in the morning as I meditate, the song of a bird lifts my spirits. It reminds me that spring and rebirth lay not too far in the future. There is no need to be fearful. Rather, I will sit awhile with the grayness, and give my body over to the slower pace of these winter months. Renewal is taking place all around me, and also within me, even though I may not see it. Can I generously open my heart to the dark, to the quiet, to the cold? I feel that I am beginning to do so, and in return I am being gifted with the peace that comes from acceptance. In trusting the season, fear ebbs from my heart and in its place, calm settles in.

All is as it is meant to be.

“Christmas Vacation Part 2”

Did you see the hilarious movie “Christmas Vacation” years ago, with Chevy Chase? When the stress of the holidays begins to take its toll, rent the movie, pop some corn, grab a beer, and prepare for a lot of laughs! It’ll cure what ails you, I promise!

The Dixons are writing the sequel to that movie…look out, Hollywood! Last year we hired a tree expert to come out with his cherry-picker, and put the lights on the top of our 25-ft. blue spruce. It cost us $100, but we figured it was worth it, since it’s getting too dangerous for us to climb a ladder that high.

After the man left, my husband and I put lights around the rest of the tree and stood back to admire our efforts. It looked magical, and our neighborhood looks forward to seeing this tree light up every year. Two hours later though, the top lights all went out. The tree man came back the next day and changed the fuses on that section. He reconnected the lights, and voila! The entire tree lit up again…it was beautiful! The bad news is that the entire section went dark again after a few hours. My husband and I were quite frustrated, having spent good money for nothing. We ended up turning the tree off for the entire Christmas season.

Fast forward to this holiday season, and we again called the tree guy for help with the lights. (We made sure to buy all new lights this time!) Dave did a beautiful job, as did my husband. We ventured outside that night to bask in the beauty of the Christmas tree, and it really was glorious! There was just one tiny area where a strand of lights needed to be raised up just a little bit, to fill in a hole. My husband at first decided he’d deal with that the next day. However, a few hours later he was out in the yard with a ladder and a long pole, lifting that strand up. Well, the worst happened! Once again, just like last year, the whole upper section went out!

My husband has to be the most even-tempered person in the world. But he came stomping into the house, absolutely furious! He was mad at himself for fooling with the tree and not leaving well-enough alone. He used words I NEVER hear him use (I, unfortunately, use them a little more liberally!). I stayed out of his way, saying things like, “Yes, dear, I know how frustrated you must be!” Let me mention that I am “so over” that tree. It’s just gotten too big to decorate, and the hassle outweighs how pretty it looks when it’s all lit up. I thought that Tom might now reach that same conclusion. Either that, or a solution would come to him when he had calmed down.

The next day, Tom asked me, “Do you have an extension cord?” I burst out laughing, saying, “Chevy Chase has nothing on you!” The upshot is that we now have three electric cords going to the different sections of the monster tree, and the lights have now stayed on the entire time, even through a rainstorm, and also withstanding a grandson climbing around under the tree…gasp!

One more funny postscript to this story: The day after Tom successfully completed the lighting of our outdoor tree, we noticed a problem with the lights on our little artificial indoor tree. You guessed it! The top section went out! We’ve already added extra lights to other parts of this “pre-lit” tree over the years, and don’t want to add any more and overload the circuits. So we sit in our living room and admire our “Charlie Brown” Christmas tree, minus the lights on top!

They say there are no coincidences. So my question is this: what is the meaning of this situation, where first the lights kept going out on our outdoor tree. We finally got that fixed, only to have the lights go out on the top our indoor tree! If anyone has some thoughts on this, I’d love to hear them!

P.S.: I have fiddled with the settings on the “comment” section of this blog, in an effort to make it easier for someone to post a comment. Let me know if that’s made it simpler! Thanks, Mary

Prayers Answered!

This past week has been a hectic one. As so often happens during the holiday season, several events fell within a short period. I don’t know about you, but during the rest of the year we can go for weeks with little on our calendar. But this week there were an over-abundance of engagements, plus things that had to be taken care of.

A Christmas dinner hosted by a colleague turned out to be a three-hour affair, when our host suggested we all try the “Tasting Menu”. There were many courses with small portions, and each course was presented with great ceremony, every dish described as to ingredients and preparation. By the fifth course, it was 10:30, and we still had several courses to go! Tom and I fell into bed at midnight, knowing the next day would be just as long.

The following evening was a joyful time, joining with two dear friends at Johnny Mathis’ glorious Christmas concert! But another midnight bedtime was difficult, with our schedule for the next several days so demanding.

The following day Tom was up at 4:30 AM, for a two-day medical seminar in San Francisco. I was concerned about the daily two-hour drive roundtrip, with insufficient sleep. My heart kept repeating, “May he be safe. May he be safe.”

In the midst of all this, we were on tap to have two of our grandkids sleep over. At the last minute, our daughter-in-law called to cancel, and we were actually grateful. There was so much on our plate that I had been praying for a break.

At the end of the seminar we were scheduled to drive two hundred miles up into the mountains, for our granddaughter’s birthday and her ballet recital. But it seems the Mystery hears the longing of our hearts and knows our needs, and answers in ways we could never imagine! A winter storm rolled in, with three to four feet of snow predicted and possible road closures.

This was to be a brief overnight trip, in order to be back in time for Tom to have his pacemaker replaced on Monday. But with the storm coming in, we couldn’t chance being stranded hundreds of miles from home. We had to cancel our visit.

The procedure Tom will have is fairly simple and commonplace, but as with any surgery, there is always the possibility of complications. It is important to be prepared with plenty of rest, and the way our week was jammed with days in the office, late nights, the seminar, the sleepover, and the 400 mile round-trip drive, it didn’t look as though Tom would be getting much rest. But with the canceling of the sleepover and the trip up the mountain, we now have a blessed Sunday that has turned into a real day of rest!

We are settling into the quiet and peace of our little home, with nothing to do from now until Monday morning! All our plans were sifted and shaken, and only a minimum remained, leaving us time to prepare for the surgery. Isn’t it amazing how everything fell into place? How could I forget that we are not really in control? There is a Presence, a Mystery which somehow holds tenderly both the smallest detail and the entire universe. It is so human to fret and to worry, yet that accomplishes not a whit. All that is needed is some planning, a little faith, and a lot of letting go!

A Glass Half-Full

Do you enjoy reading stories about how someone came to a new understanding about Life, and how that new perspective changed the person in a positive way? I do.

Here is such a story. Winter has been a season I have resisted almost all my life. I have to admit I resented the cold. Because I re-located to “sunny California” for the much-touted warmth and sunshine, it came as a shock to discover the cold winters we experience up here in the northern part of the state. Living the myth of year-round summer-like days, I would dress in clothes too lightweight for the season. I recall one particularly frigid New Years’ Eve, when icy patches and bone-chilling fog made the roads hazardous. I shivered through the evening in a thin little party dress with spaghetti straps, my bare legs shaking in high-heeled sandals, and the rest of me protected from the freezing temperatures by only a light wrap. What exactly was I thinking??

Maybe I’m a slow learner, because it’s only been in recent years that I have given in and admitted it’s darn cold in these parts! Now I dress in layers, adding a sweater or fleece jacket even inside the house, when the temperature falls below my comfort zone. No more do I run around in thin little flat shoes. Instead I put on warm socks and lace-up boots, and forego the fashionable for the comfortable.

The amazing part of this is that I no longer resent the winters here! Facing the truth about our climate and dressing accordingly has kept me warm and enabled me to relax and enjoy the wintry days.

There is another aspect about winter that has always been very difficult for me, and that is the shorter days and long dark nights. Like many people, my emotions are affected by the weather and the seasons. The shorter days mean there is less time to accomplish the tasks I set for myself. Rushing through my work, I have not been very pleasant company, I’m sure. Resentment festered in me, not just about the cold temperatures, but also at the darkness, and the fewer hours to take care of all my chores.

For some reason however, this year is different for me, and it all has to do with “Light”. Many people in our society are preparing for Christmas, a time that celebrates the birth of the Christ, known also as “the Light of the World”. Others light candles in honor of Hanukkah, the “Festival of Lights”. All around, houses are festooned with lights and wreaths, while inside our homes, Christmas trees are laden with yet more lights, sparkling ornaments and tinsel.

Since time immemorial humans have anticipated the winter solstice, marking the return of the sun. I have found myself for the first time fully embracing the knowledge that around the 21st of December, the sun will reach its lowest point. From that moment on, we will gain precious moments of sunlight each day. This is what I mean by my “glass half-full”. Rather than focusing on how dark it is, my heart is joyful, because I know we are fast approaching the return of the sun! Knowing the Light will start returning in just two short weeks, I have come to terms with the shorter days and the long dark nights.

In accepting the fact that the days are shorter and there’s not much I can do to change it, I have also cut myself a little slack, as they say. I want to be kind to myself. I want to enjoy each moment, whatever it brings. I now make shorter “to-do” lists, and if I don’t finish my tasks, I’m okay adding my unfinished chores to tomorrow’s list.

Don’t you find Life just so interesting? What causes these sea-changes in our perspective? I suspect there are probably little baby-steps leading up to these more noticeable shifts, changes that are too small to notice. But the Grace of the Unknowable breaks into our lives when we least expect It, and suddenly we see the tangible results in how differently we are living our daily lives. Ah! That causes me to smile inwardly, and to be ever so grateful!

A Lesson Learned!

Is it really 2009? And already November? It seems as though time has taken on a different tempo, and the world is moving at a pace that confounds me. I want to give thanks, notice each moment, savor my friends, and hold my family close! None of us has forever, and I’ve already been blessed with a relatively long life, when others have been cut short. The Mystery knows Its plan, but I am in the dark. I seem to be hyper-aware of the brevity of life, and I want to be present and savor each moment, each event, and every person who graces my life.

What is the lesson I recently learned? When preparing to host a dinner in my home, it has been my habit to strive for perfection with just the right decorations, a pretty dinner table, good food and so on, to the point of obsession. I know I have lots of company in this regard! Of late, however, I have been unusually aware of how all my friends bless my life. For this dinner party, I wanted to move past the anxiety of hostessing, and simply enjoy my friends and savor our time together.

I do believe there is a Mystery, a Presence that knows our inner needs and desires, and when we are ready, will help us move in that direction. That is what happened! I finally (FINALLY), had a small group of friends over without worrying and obsessing over the food and how our house looked.

Along the way, I experienced one of those small 'aha's', as I began to understand my tendency to control and my need for perfection. I can still remember the moment years ago (I was perhaps twelve or thirteen), when I consciously made the decision to detach myself emotionally from my mother. It seemed to me it was impossible to confide in her safely and receive the guidance I needed, yet still retain my sense of who I was, and safeguard my right and need to grow into wholeness. Of course many other children feel this way, but in my life there was no other adult to take her place. The result was that I took on the role of parenting myself, which is an impossible task for a child that age.

Without the presence of a parent to hold a safety net beneath me, and to give me the sense that I was loved and supported, I developed the need to control my surroundings, in order to survive in a confusing and demanding world. Without knowing the feeling of being loved without conditions, I evolved as a person who lacks confidence, who needs to prove that I am loveable and worthy.

Again, I know I am not unique in this regard. There are many souls who share such insecurities. But I realize now with greater clarity, the “why” behind my striving for perfection and my need to control.

In my adulthood, I have been blessed with being loved unconditionally by my spouse. Some people live their entire lives without experiencing this kind of love. But now I know for the first time the security of being loved and supported, no matter what I do. Old habits are hard to let go of: I still struggle—obviously!—with perfectionism and I still try to control my surroundings. But now at least I sense the reason behind my behavior. Who knows? I may yet be able to move beyond these patterns!

Opening to the Wisdom

Of late my heart has opened to the wisdom of the older woman, and I recently I was blessed to meet two such women.

For perhaps several reasons, such a figure has not really been part of my world. One exception stands out, my grandmother, who was known to us children as Mimi. What I loved about Mimi was that she danced to her own tune. Early on I knew I didn't accept the prevailing conventions, an example being the superstition of hiding under a bed during a thunderstorm. In the forties and fifties, such behavior was prevalent. But Mimi lived life by her own terms, and that was how I wanted to live.

Divorce was not an option for Catholics in those days, not that it is in current times either. But Mimi, who had siblings who were priests and nuns, defied the taboo and got divorced. I refused to judge her, as the rest of the family did. She was a real "Auntie Mame" type, and I adored her.

But other than Mimi, I think I've been a bit too arrogant and independent to think someone might have a bit of wisdom for me, simply because they have had more years on this planet.

Enter a remarkable woman, a nun, into my heart and my life, a few weekends ago, leading a retreat that I attended. She seemed to me like a dearly loved aunt or sister. There is simply no artifice or pretense surrounding her. She loves telling stories, but in a homey sort of way. Gentleness and love flow through her, and I am warmed by her presence, which I still carry with me. There is no judgment present, only openness to the Spirit, and her wisdom has remained with me ever since that luminous weekend.

Two friends and I decided to meet for meditation (or prayer, or Lectio Divina, whatever we decided upon), after the retreat. One friend invited a longtime friend of hers (also a nun) to lead us for our first meeting. This nun has led a meditation community for 28 years. She turned out to be another wise, loving, open soul, who skillfully presided over our first meeting. She generously shared her time and experience with us, showing us ways to be together prayerfully, minus the superficial chat and busyness that are often part of such a meeting. Once again, the Spirit flowed amongst us, and we were suffused by the peace and joy of our time together.

So this Thanksgiving I will be holding in my heart two (only slightly older!) women who recently appeared in my life, imparting wisdom from their lives lived as seekers and pilgrims. I'm grateful my heart was opened, so that I can now hold tenderfully and gracefully, this unexpected and wondrous gift that the Beloved has bestowed upon me!

A Surprise Visitor

Unbeknownst to us human residents, a critter moved in below in our crawlspace. Now we would hardly begrudge him (or her) a snug nesting place out of the elements. However! It seems we have recently detected the smell of decay under our bathtub. Ugghhhh!!!! Two visits from the exterminator later, we have found no carcass. Perhaps the creature crawled into an unreachable space, after consuming poison from a neighboring property. Ah!

Since I had plans for friends to meet here in a few days, plus a dinner party next weekend, I was none too pleased with having an odiferous home to greet them with. We were able to move the first meeting to one of our other members. But the dinner party is on.

It's a good group of longtime friends we've invited for dinner, and after sharing my predicament with a couple of them, they assured me there are worse things in life. They are happy to use the half-bath off the laundry room, which one friend suggested is far better than the nearest gas station. Another friend offered this good idea: hand out Vicks Vaporub at the door as they enter. A dab of that under their noses and they'll not smell anything else!

Thanks to my supportive friends and their unfailing humor, I'm slowly relaxing about the bad smell in the bathroom, and I'm even able to chuckle (a wee bit!) at it all!