A Lesson Learned!

Is it really 2009? And already November? It seems as though time has taken on a different tempo, and the world is moving at a pace that confounds me. I want to give thanks, notice each moment, savor my friends, and hold my family close! None of us has forever, and I’ve already been blessed with a relatively long life, when others have been cut short. The Mystery knows Its plan, but I am in the dark. I seem to be hyper-aware of the brevity of life, and I want to be present and savor each moment, each event, and every person who graces my life.

What is the lesson I recently learned? When preparing to host a dinner in my home, it has been my habit to strive for perfection with just the right decorations, a pretty dinner table, good food and so on, to the point of obsession. I know I have lots of company in this regard! Of late, however, I have been unusually aware of how all my friends bless my life. For this dinner party, I wanted to move past the anxiety of hostessing, and simply enjoy my friends and savor our time together.

I do believe there is a Mystery, a Presence that knows our inner needs and desires, and when we are ready, will help us move in that direction. That is what happened! I finally (FINALLY), had a small group of friends over without worrying and obsessing over the food and how our house looked.

Along the way, I experienced one of those small 'aha's', as I began to understand my tendency to control and my need for perfection. I can still remember the moment years ago (I was perhaps twelve or thirteen), when I consciously made the decision to detach myself emotionally from my mother. It seemed to me it was impossible to confide in her safely and receive the guidance I needed, yet still retain my sense of who I was, and safeguard my right and need to grow into wholeness. Of course many other children feel this way, but in my life there was no other adult to take her place. The result was that I took on the role of parenting myself, which is an impossible task for a child that age.

Without the presence of a parent to hold a safety net beneath me, and to give me the sense that I was loved and supported, I developed the need to control my surroundings, in order to survive in a confusing and demanding world. Without knowing the feeling of being loved without conditions, I evolved as a person who lacks confidence, who needs to prove that I am loveable and worthy.

Again, I know I am not unique in this regard. There are many souls who share such insecurities. But I realize now with greater clarity, the “why” behind my striving for perfection and my need to control.

In my adulthood, I have been blessed with being loved unconditionally by my spouse. Some people live their entire lives without experiencing this kind of love. But now I know for the first time the security of being loved and supported, no matter what I do. Old habits are hard to let go of: I still struggle—obviously!—with perfectionism and I still try to control my surroundings. But now at least I sense the reason behind my behavior. Who knows? I may yet be able to move beyond these patterns!