A Lesson Learned!

Is it really 2009? And already November? It seems as though time has taken on a different tempo, and the world is moving at a pace that confounds me. I want to give thanks, notice each moment, savor my friends, and hold my family close! None of us has forever, and I’ve already been blessed with a relatively long life, when others have been cut short. The Mystery knows Its plan, but I am in the dark. I seem to be hyper-aware of the brevity of life, and I want to be present and savor each moment, each event, and every person who graces my life.

What is the lesson I recently learned? When preparing to host a dinner in my home, it has been my habit to strive for perfection with just the right decorations, a pretty dinner table, good food and so on, to the point of obsession. I know I have lots of company in this regard! Of late, however, I have been unusually aware of how all my friends bless my life. For this dinner party, I wanted to move past the anxiety of hostessing, and simply enjoy my friends and savor our time together.

I do believe there is a Mystery, a Presence that knows our inner needs and desires, and when we are ready, will help us move in that direction. That is what happened! I finally (FINALLY), had a small group of friends over without worrying and obsessing over the food and how our house looked.

Along the way, I experienced one of those small 'aha's', as I began to understand my tendency to control and my need for perfection. I can still remember the moment years ago (I was perhaps twelve or thirteen), when I consciously made the decision to detach myself emotionally from my mother. It seemed to me it was impossible to confide in her safely and receive the guidance I needed, yet still retain my sense of who I was, and safeguard my right and need to grow into wholeness. Of course many other children feel this way, but in my life there was no other adult to take her place. The result was that I took on the role of parenting myself, which is an impossible task for a child that age.

Without the presence of a parent to hold a safety net beneath me, and to give me the sense that I was loved and supported, I developed the need to control my surroundings, in order to survive in a confusing and demanding world. Without knowing the feeling of being loved without conditions, I evolved as a person who lacks confidence, who needs to prove that I am loveable and worthy.

Again, I know I am not unique in this regard. There are many souls who share such insecurities. But I realize now with greater clarity, the “why” behind my striving for perfection and my need to control.

In my adulthood, I have been blessed with being loved unconditionally by my spouse. Some people live their entire lives without experiencing this kind of love. But now I know for the first time the security of being loved and supported, no matter what I do. Old habits are hard to let go of: I still struggle—obviously!—with perfectionism and I still try to control my surroundings. But now at least I sense the reason behind my behavior. Who knows? I may yet be able to move beyond these patterns!

Opening to the Wisdom

Of late my heart has opened to the wisdom of the older woman, and I recently I was blessed to meet two such women.

For perhaps several reasons, such a figure has not really been part of my world. One exception stands out, my grandmother, who was known to us children as Mimi. What I loved about Mimi was that she danced to her own tune. Early on I knew I didn't accept the prevailing conventions, an example being the superstition of hiding under a bed during a thunderstorm. In the forties and fifties, such behavior was prevalent. But Mimi lived life by her own terms, and that was how I wanted to live.

Divorce was not an option for Catholics in those days, not that it is in current times either. But Mimi, who had siblings who were priests and nuns, defied the taboo and got divorced. I refused to judge her, as the rest of the family did. She was a real "Auntie Mame" type, and I adored her.

But other than Mimi, I think I've been a bit too arrogant and independent to think someone might have a bit of wisdom for me, simply because they have had more years on this planet.

Enter a remarkable woman, a nun, into my heart and my life, a few weekends ago, leading a retreat that I attended. She seemed to me like a dearly loved aunt or sister. There is simply no artifice or pretense surrounding her. She loves telling stories, but in a homey sort of way. Gentleness and love flow through her, and I am warmed by her presence, which I still carry with me. There is no judgment present, only openness to the Spirit, and her wisdom has remained with me ever since that luminous weekend.

Two friends and I decided to meet for meditation (or prayer, or Lectio Divina, whatever we decided upon), after the retreat. One friend invited a longtime friend of hers (also a nun) to lead us for our first meeting. This nun has led a meditation community for 28 years. She turned out to be another wise, loving, open soul, who skillfully presided over our first meeting. She generously shared her time and experience with us, showing us ways to be together prayerfully, minus the superficial chat and busyness that are often part of such a meeting. Once again, the Spirit flowed amongst us, and we were suffused by the peace and joy of our time together.

So this Thanksgiving I will be holding in my heart two (only slightly older!) women who recently appeared in my life, imparting wisdom from their lives lived as seekers and pilgrims. I'm grateful my heart was opened, so that I can now hold tenderfully and gracefully, this unexpected and wondrous gift that the Beloved has bestowed upon me!

A Surprise Visitor

Unbeknownst to us human residents, a critter moved in below in our crawlspace. Now we would hardly begrudge him (or her) a snug nesting place out of the elements. However! It seems we have recently detected the smell of decay under our bathtub. Ugghhhh!!!! Two visits from the exterminator later, we have found no carcass. Perhaps the creature crawled into an unreachable space, after consuming poison from a neighboring property. Ah!

Since I had plans for friends to meet here in a few days, plus a dinner party next weekend, I was none too pleased with having an odiferous home to greet them with. We were able to move the first meeting to one of our other members. But the dinner party is on.

It's a good group of longtime friends we've invited for dinner, and after sharing my predicament with a couple of them, they assured me there are worse things in life. They are happy to use the half-bath off the laundry room, which one friend suggested is far better than the nearest gas station. Another friend offered this good idea: hand out Vicks Vaporub at the door as they enter. A dab of that under their noses and they'll not smell anything else!

Thanks to my supportive friends and their unfailing humor, I'm slowly relaxing about the bad smell in the bathroom, and I'm even able to chuckle (a wee bit!) at it all!